"A long time ago in a not so very far land there once was a young man who was quite silly, but quite loving and won the heart of a young maiden. They got married and lived happily ever after." Well, the happily ever after is still in progress and it has been with quite a few sorrows, but God is working! Paul & I were married in Jan 2003 and about 10 months later popped out our little bundle of laughter - Isaac. He caught onto his name before he was even born - you know, Isaac means "laughter" after Sarah's comical surprise that she would be pregnant at such an old age. He was happy in the womb (and I was a happy pregnant woman) ...  and he was happy after birth (9 lbs 9 oz by the way - and yes, I'm still only 5'0 tall!)...  and still is to this day!  He has been such a huge blessing in our lives! Three days after I had him (c-section) we moved into our first home! We lived in Mulberry Florida for the next couple of years. During that time we buried Paul's Grandmother, Uncle and the hardest was his brother, Neil, who was killed in a car accident at the age of 27. After that, Paul's mom started realizing how precious time is and decided to watch Isaac full-time. She loved it and so did Isaac. Needless to say, I hated Florida! Too hot, too buggy, too gatory, too muggy, too rainy... I also didn't like the branch I was at with SunTrust, so I started looking at other locations. Paul had always wanted to live in NC and my family is from VA so I found a branch here in NC and we moved! Shortly after I became pregnant and the most trying, sorrowful, fearful, broken part of my life begun. Take a break and go get some tissues. You may need them. If you want to know the truth of how I feel, continue to read. If you want to keep the perky, happy image of Ruth, Rudy, Ruthie in your mind then you may not want to read on. At 16 weeks of pregnancy, my membrane ruptured. It was caused by an infection (not something they anticipate to repeat), but it caused me to lose most of my fluid. Little Matthew continued to produce it, but I continued to lose it. It was the longest 12 weeks I have ever experienced. At the beginning, the doctors actually recommended terminating the pregnancy. I quickly corrected them and and said, "It is God who ends life, not me." So, they told me not to expect much and sent me on my merry way. I know my God, I said to myself, I can pray for much! So, I did. I had faith through the next 12 weeks that I would have a little baby. I felt Matthew move, I felt him get the hiccups, and he was quite picky that I could not lay on my side.  I went into the hospital at 24 weeks of pregnancy - May 1st of 2006 - and stayed for 4 1/2 weeks. During those 4 weeks, I was unable to do anything. I couldn't leave the hospital - I could only go to the bathroom and get back into bed. Now, I wonder if I even should have done that. Trust me, there's a lot of "what if's" that I can't erase. On June 1st, at 28 weeks of pregnancy, Matthew got the hiccups around 9:00 in the morning and I was so full of joy and so sure we were going to make it. Literally, 30 minutes later everything changed. His heart rate began to drop, I began having contractions and it got worse all too quickly. Still, I had the faith that he was going to be strong enough to make it - after all, he was strong enough to make me jump when he kicked. They gave me Terbutaline to try to stop the contractions. After that was unsuccessful, they called in the Doctor from Labor & Delivery (not mine, but they needed directions). She quickly said that we need to deliver. From there, they rushed me to surgery and the sweetest nurse told me to breath in slowly and she pinched my neck so the pinch from the anesthesia didn't seem so bad. Again, I just knew everything was going to be okay. I didn't realize that my doctor was there (of which I'm thankful), but he delivered Matthew at 2:02 pm and took him to NICU. Paul was there with Matthew the whole time. When I awoke, the nurses were different and they wouldn't tell me anything. I looked around at the other mothers and thought, they just had their babies and they all look fine like they know they're baby's are okay. I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't stop. I felt the joy slip away. They took me to my room and showed me how to use my morphine drip. 5 minutes later a nurse came in and told me they were ready for me in NICU. I thought, "Praise the Lord! He's okay!" I went up there and got a different picture. He was not okay. He was absolutely beautiful on the outside - perfectly formed and quite big to be 28 weeks in term. He was 2 lbs 13 oz but he couldn't breath on his own. His 2nd sac in his lungs did not develop because of the lack of fluid. The doctors did everything they could. The nurses were absolutely wonderful. They let us hold him (Paul let me hold him more) and hand pumped the air into his lungs for as long as we wanted to hold him. I was in excruciating pain and the morphine wasn't helping, but it was putting me to sleep. I finally had to say Goodbye. At 11:05 pm Matthew slipped away. The hospital was great. They gave us a box of Matthew's items, got his footprints, hair, his blood pressure cuff and other items. I stayed out of work for another 5 weeks and then went back into the swing of things. We buried Matthew William Stanfield on June 9th at John Hall Cemetery in Dry Creek, KY. Near Paul's brother, baby sister, and Grandmother. I went back to work and learned to blocked my sorrows out from 9-5 M-F and got back into my new role of Assistant Manager. My customers were very supportive and loving when I came back - I couldn't have asked for a better community to be a part of than Stokesdale, NC. God has sent some of you my way to remind me of the joy that I once had and really do miss, I'm just not sure how to get it back. I'm going to do a Bible Study with my Pastor's wife called "Seeking Him" by Nancy Lee D'Moss (thank you Joanna!) and we'll be starting that next Sunday. We have a wonderful Church that we belong to where there are 8 other couples with kids ages 3 and under! They've all wrapped their arms around me and loved me so much. I can tell them, honestly, how I feel and they understand and pray for me. That's encouraging. We just did the March of Dimes, a walk for premature babies. I raised $1150 for the walk and SunTrust Triad region raised over $7000. That was wonderful to be a part of. I made T-shirts in memory of Matthew. We walked 5 miles only to remind me that I'm horribly out of shape! 
So, that's a recap of the past 4 years. As you can see, my heart is broken. I know God is working and is trying to mold me into something new. This chrysalis is hard, scary and quite uncomfortable. Yet, I don't want to leave it. I hope that analogy made sense. I miss you guys so much! | 
